One of You Has to Lead
By Aaron Wulff
Full disclosure, I don’t make any money teaching you dance steps.
A box step? A spin? I can show you those in two minutes. Better yet, you can get plenty of free YouTube videos.
Nope, it’s not the steps. What pays my mortgage is teaching couples how to dance TOGETHER. As one.
You see when I teach a bride and groom their basic steps individually, they usually pick it up quickly. They get a shot of confidence. “This is easier than I thought!”
But it’s short-lived, because something magical happens when I put them in front of each other in a dance position. For some reason, all hell breaks loose.
He moves. She doesn’t. Stop. Start again. She moves first. They laugh. Stop. Start again. He moves. She speeds up. He complains. She starts pushing. Stop. Start again. He forgets his step. She complains. His steps are too big. Her steps are too small. Stop. Start again. She takes over. He complains. Stop. She gets exasperated. He gets quiet. And I get job security.
Call it lead and follow. Call it partnership. Call it the hardest part of learning to dance for most couples.
Hell, I’ve got an honorary degree in marriage counseling. I’ve even kicked couples out of my classes because they wouldn’t follow the rules.
What are the rules? I’m glad you asked. When it comes to leading and following, there’s only one you need to heed:
The groom leads and the bride follows.
That’s it. Dancing is not a democracy. This is the only way it can work. (Non-traditional marriage? No problem. Pick a leader and a follower and stick to it.)
Brides, the groom doesn’t need your help.
Don’t get me wrong, he probably needs quite a bit of help, but it shouldn’t come from you. For the groom to develop the kind of leading skills he needs to make the dance work, he needs you to follow his lead, especially bad leads so he can tell the difference.
One of the main reasons couples give up on their dreams of dance lessons is because the ladies get impatient with the guys. This is understandable because the guy has a lot more to process in the beginning. He’s in charge of his moves and yours. He has to learn all the steps and how to lead them. He has to listen to the music and interpret the beat. He has to think ahead about what he’s going to do.
As a result, ladies and brides get bored. They want to dance NOW. They want the guy to get with the program. And as a result, they start “back leading” (showing the guy where to go by ignoring his lead and pushing him around).
The result? Conflict.
She just wants to help. He gets frustrated and resentful. If it’s not dealt with, it escalates to arguments and demotivation.
How serious is the conflict when it comes to leading and following? So serious that for my wedding I had another instructor do the instruction and choreography for my wife and me.
People are always astonished when I tell them that, but a good instructor serves as a neutral third party to hold couples accountable for their roles and de-escalate the conflict. And, it’s actually quite common for professional dancers to bring another instructor to teach them.
Strategies for better leading and following
Practice radical patience
Remember, your partner isn’t learning the same thing you are, and they might learn faster or slower than you. Be patient and forgive mistakes without question.
Know your role
If you’re the leader, your job is to lead. If you’re the follower, your job is to follow.
If you’re the groom, give a strong lead
Grooms, despite what you’ve been told, the bride wants to know where you want her to go. I tell brides not to move if the groom doesn’t give a strong lead. The reason? You’re not going to learn if your lead is effective if she bails you out.
So give a strong lead, even if it might be wrong. That way you can see the results of your lead and make corrections.
Prevent the bride from going where you don’t want her to go
Leading isn’t just showing the bride where to go. It’s also preventing her from going where she THINKS you’re going to lead her.
It’s only natural for the bride to anticipate your lead. Hell, you’ve done the same combination six times in a row, so why wouldn’t you do it again on the seventh?
As you get better as a leader you’re going to get more moves in your repertoire, and you’re going to be changing things up more often. If you feel the bride going rogue or anticipating something you’re not intending to do, keep your frame firm and give extra effort to showing her where you want her to go for the step.
If you’re the bride, don’t go there if he doesn’t put you there
This sounds extreme, but it works. One of the fastest ways to get your groom to become a strong leader is to MAKE him lead you. Did he start the step without giving you a firm indication of where to go? Then don’t go. Show him that you want a reasonable amount of direction in order to follow.
Give positive feedback
Did your partner give you a good lead? Did they finally improve their steps on the umpteenth time? Let them know you appreciate their effort and that they’re on the right track.
If you can’t give positive feedback, give neutral, unemotional feedback
“What are you doing?!”
This is the most common refrain when couples are working through their dance moves. It conveys judgment and frustration. Avoid it at all costs.
Is there something your partner could do better? Bite your tongue, suck it up, and give them feedback that’s informational and unemotional.
Need a break? Great. Take one.
Use it to interrupt tense moments, get your composure, or practice your step.
Consider dance lessons
A good instructor will save you weeks of frustration. They will spot the back-leading before it becomes a habit, fix a collapsing frame, and keep you both honest about your roles. That is literally what we do.
Practice
Just practice. Not once, not twice. Fifteen minutes three times a week will get you further than one panicked marathon session the night before the wedding.
Here’s the truth. Leading and following feels weird at first. It’s vulnerable. The groom has to commit to a lead even when he’s not sure it is right. The bride has to trust and wait even when she already knows what’s coming. But when it clicks, when he leads and she follows and it actually works, that’s not just dancing. That’s partnership. And isn’t that what the next fifty years are about?
